Well, I've found that I can't really tell myself from what I portray myself to be. There's the me I try to be true to, and then the me that tries to please, people at the library for instance, and the me that tries to please my parents, and the me that tries to live up to my reputation... it's all so confusing. I've been trying to tell each one from the other... it's not that easy. I have tried to please everybody, including myself, in ways that aren't really me, and i'm lost. Whoopee...Why do people try to please others anyway? Why do they try and fit what others think they should be, what they themselves think they should be? Acceptance. Everyone feels the need to be accepted by at least one person in their life. It gives them security, purpose, comfort. But what is worse is when they can't accept themselves. I'm that way: I hate almost everything about me: you ask me what I like about my physical appearance: my eyes. That's it. You ask me what I like about my mind: it's deep... -ly disturbed, that is. well... both. And I like its individuality in the ways it's deeply disturbed... by the way, did you know that there's a bunny suicide book? I had no idea... anyway: But that's all I really like about myself. Everything else I would change or alter in at least one way. Oh, and I like the agility of my fingers: piano, violin, guitar, and stuff. But that's it.
What's really bad about people who don't accept themselves the way they are is that they are never content. And then they envy people who are content with who they are: they envy people who are everything (or so they think) that they want to be. It really is sad.
Last night, during my talk with David, I mentioned how the problem with me is, with all the stuff I'm doing, I am running away from my problems, and I know it, I just simply don't want to deal with it. I don't want to have to deal with my flaws, or what I perceive as flaws. I want to "fix" them. But my solutions cause more problems than they solve.
I'm trying to find myself again. I'm trying to accept myself, and hopefully (though, in my opinion, doubtfully), I might be able to get back to loving myself: or at least liking myself. There really isn't as much wrong with me as I like to think there is. Everybody has something wrong with them. Your definition of wrong, of course, could alter this. Everybody has something different about them. And many times difference from the standardized norm is considered wrong. We simply have to look past the norm, and decide what we're going to do about it. I'm moving towards that.
We'll see how it goes.
