Friends

I was just talking to alan... well... still am... but technically it's im'ing. and i was talking about who i was going to get presents for... and it turned out i was only getting them for my friends. I am actually pretty guarded about who are my "friends" and who i just hang out with. Let's see: friends: David, Carrie, Alan, Rachel, Daniel, Stewart, Sarah (Declerk), Dora, Justin, Rusty... I think that's it: and that was in no particular order, just the order they popped into my head. I have a total of 10 friends. omg. However, I hang out with... who knows how many ppl? But they're just fun to hang out with: to me: friends are something a bit more.

I don't know: friends are people I can talk to, people who have the same values as me, the same likes and dislikes, the same goals in life. I don't mean specifics here, but people who want to go somewhere, do something, whether it's as little as adopting a 3rd world child (which is actually pretty big) or wanting to be president, or wanting to find a way to cure AIDS. People who live in the here and now, don't worry about the past, don't care about the future, annoy me. Why be on earth if not to make a difference, or at least, try to? And why live your life if you have no goals? No ideas of where you want to go next? They seem to be wasting their time, and I don't waste my time on people who waste theirs. It all seems so futile to me.

As to talking to friends: I admit, I only actually talk to about 4 or 5 out of those ten. There's only one I talk to about absolutely everything. That's Carrie. Or, at least I talk to her about all the things that can be put into words. After that, it's probably David. Then Rachel, and Stew, and Alan. Sarah I talk to every once in a while, when I think her unique input is what I need. Justin... i don't really talk to him about a ton of stuff anymore: when we do talk. Dora... we've come so far... and also drifted so far. But she was my first best friend and was for years... still is up there, though now I don't classify ppl as "best" friend, or "2nd best" friend. Rusty... I would talk to him about somewhere between David and Rachel, Stew, and Alan. If i talked to him. That would help.

Also- friends are people who would be there for me. The druggies are more in the here and now, and if it is fucking with you, forget about with the help of weed and other stuff. That doesn't solve problems: it just postpones when you deal with them.

In any case: I would like to say thankyou to those special people who get the honor of being called my friends. And congratulations: you won't be one of the many people I tortuously and mercilessly kill when i take over the world.

"Will You Marry Me?"

So many people are getting engaged now in my high school. It's 100% ridiculous. These people don't even know what job they want, let alone who they want to marry. They think they know love: what's going to happen 20 years from now? They are committing to making a decision that should last them a lifetime, and they will just break up later. I can see people getting promised, and if it continues to go smoothly, get engaged later, but... good grief. I don't think I'll get engaged til I at least have a good steady job... or I'm at least in my junior year of college. I don't kow. It also depends on those people in the actual relationship. Committing to something this important when you are in the emotional throes of being a teenager could just be something you decide in the passion of the moment. People's naievety amuses me, and at the same time disgusts me. If they are going to get engaged: they need to commit to it, rather than saying, if we feel this way 3-8 years from now, we'll go ahead and get married. People don't seem to notice how long 3-8 years is! Getting promised is more understandable: but it is still a big undertaking. *Sigh* oh well: I can't change the world. All I know: is that I won't go into something lightly. It's not worth having your heart broken and your dreams dashed against the rocks. There's plenty of time for that later.

chat with carrie and alan on dimensions, beauty, and love

vashtari15: the dimension thing
vashtari15: ok- so the first dimension is a line right?
CrackerBabe707: btw julie, my head is actually hurting rite now...
vashtari15: , and the second dimension is aline perpendicular to that
vashtari15: hehe
kineticascetic: a plane
vashtari15: anyway- and the third dimension is a line perpendicular to those two- depth
kineticascetic: alot of planes
vashtari15: ok, the fourth dimension is supposedly time
vashtari15: right?
kineticascetic: time yeah
CrackerBabe707: so continue
vashtari15: ok- but there is no time- it's all a figment of our imaginations: it's a way to rationalize and measure that we came up with as human beings bc we like order. it doesn't exist, and yet they have 9 dimensions figured out-
vashtari15: but if each dimension is dependent on the previous one...
vashtari15: *lightbulb*
kineticascetic: one event lined up from the next is what we've dubbed time
vashtari15: but what is "after" after all?
vashtari15: what is "before"?
vashtari15: what is anything?
kineticascetic: hard to determine
kineticascetic: i know one thing
CrackerBabe707: brb...
kineticascetic: people blame their deaths on time when it is oxygen that kills them
kineticascetic: brb
vashtari15: and if you are going to go religiously, we have proof of thousands of years before humans came into existance: you say what is a day to god? exactly: who are we to say what is a day in any case? thus we have 6 dimensions named...
vashtari15: that aren't real
vashtari15: ... *waits*...
CrackerBabe707: im back
vashtari15: now we just have to wait for alan
CrackerBabe707: hehe
vashtari15: so- your opinion?
vashtari15: from your throbbing head?
vashtari15: lol
CrackerBabe707: i'll ponder on it when i'm feeling sane
CrackerBabe707: and able
vashtari15: yeah
kineticascetic: back
vashtari15: i think i will bring up "beautiful" ... blog entry next.
vashtari15: ok
vashtari15: so- your opinion on the time crap?
kineticascetic: i agree with the day thing
kineticascetic: actually yeah i agree
kineticascetic: i think time is our substitute for another idea
kineticascetic: just like an atom doesnt really exist
CrackerBabe707: but it's the concept that counts.. god shouldnt complain with what our minds can contemplate... we're only people
vashtari15: nobody said god was complaining
CrackerBabe707: so... even if it doesnt exist it keeps us from totally giong senile
CrackerBabe707: going*
CrackerBabe707: i know
CrackerBabe707: but still
vashtari15: and people lived for a long time without the concept of minutes or hours, or days, weeks, etc.
CrackerBabe707: if we spent time wondering about that then we wouldnt have great minds to figure out how to make our lives better
kineticascetic: i dont guess they needed it
vashtari15: all they knew was that they got older, died, animals moved, things grew, died, grew , died.
kineticascetic: but its just like capitalism
vashtari15: nobody NEEDS time.
kineticascetic: putting order into it added a new level of control
vashtari15: it's all a cycle that we are moving through: and there is no new level of control: just imagined control
vashtari15: which is basically the idea
kineticascetic: right
CrackerBabe707: that makes sence
kineticascetic: but without that imagined control we'd have serious limitations
kineticascetic: your entire day at school is based on a schedule
vashtari15: but it still doesn't mean that time exists: therefore none of the other dimensions which ppl are observing so studiously exists either
vashtari15: and?
kineticascetic: so a schedule alllows a certain amount of info to be given to you in certain intervals of time
vashtari15: ppls lives for thousands of years were based on schedules of how the land grew, died, prospered, perished: but they never necessarily needed time to live
kineticascetic: doing this effectively promotes learning
vashtari15: so does sticking you out in the wild where if you don't learn, you die.
CrackerBabe707: well if we think it exists and we base our lives and scheduals on time and wild people would be really weird
kineticascetic: once again i shout a huge amen
kineticascetic: but anyways
CrackerBabe707: wow that was a big typo on my thing...
kineticascetic: about the being thrown in the wild thing i mean
CrackerBabe707: no, i meant to say 'everything can move accordingly and we wont have to worry about it so much' in between those two thoughts, or something along those lines
CrackerBabe707: which makes a lot better sence
vashtari15: we simply have become accustomed to this supposed control that we have over our lives, over "time"
vashtari15: and everything esle due first to our want of order out of the chaos before we named a nonexistant item to be used to our advantage
kineticascetic: but you have to admit, its been pretty effective
kineticascetic: now personally its a different story
vashtari15: so? many pointless things have been effective: still: whether it is affective or not has no bearing on its reality
kineticascetic: thses industrial people that use time aren't like me
CrackerBabe707: it's better then letting ur life slip pass you by... personally IS a whole nother topic
vashtari15: but you can't lose time if it doesn't exist
kineticascetic: my point is
kineticascetic: time does exist but time is not what makes plants grow or people die
kineticascetic: its just a thought about that general area
kineticascetic: and dangit i just said something i didnt wanna say
kineticascetic: fine, it doesnt exist
vashtari15: time does not exist; not as our concept of time would will it to, in any case
vashtari15: our denotation and connotation of time have gotten seriously scrambled
CrackerBabe707: well humans have tampered with a lot of concepts
CrackerBabe707: it tends to be our nature dont you think
vashtari15: yes- and that's the problem
kineticascetic: you got that right
vashtari15: but this isn't tampering
kineticascetic: alot of times i get mad at myself for wasting what doesnt exist
kineticascetic: that being time
vashtari15: this is just... in a way: stupidity
vashtari15: not what you just said alan
CrackerBabe707: once again a trait of humanity
vashtari15: yes
kineticascetic: i dont know..i think its ignorance
vashtari15: sigh... we could go on forever... lets not
kineticascetic: heres a thought
vashtari15: go ahead
vashtari15: then thats it
kineticascetic: what would the world be like if we had not invented time
CrackerBabe707: aloof
vashtari15: there wouldn't be clocks... not necessarily aloof- you have to remember we lived for hundreds if not thousands of year before the concept of time came to be
kineticascetic: well true, you'd get a sense of constantly walking in the dark but it may be interesting
CrackerBabe707: without time there wouldnt really be a good way to define age either
CrackerBabe707: not like there is now
vashtari15: what is age anyway?
CrackerBabe707: i mean, generally sure, but still
vashtari15: ppl in other societies are considered grown up at carrie's age?
CrackerBabe707: yes
vashtari15: getting married possibly at nine
vashtari15: depending
vashtari15: on... stuff...
vashtari15: yeah
vashtari15: and its ridiculous
kineticascetic: age is the current amount of oxygen youve consumed
vashtari15: age isn't that important
CrackerBabe707: thank you julie
kineticascetic: as far as mental development i think it is
CrackerBabe707: well am i ur typical 13 year old?
CrackerBabe707: mentally in ne cas
CrackerBabe707: e
vashtari15: not necessarily: ppl can be more mentally developed at the age of 13 than some are at 23
kineticascetic: but imagine how much stable the world might be if people had a way of determining "readiness" instead of relying on age
vashtari15: it depends on the person
CrackerBabe707: yeah, but not many people understand that and look down at some of the young but great minds
CrackerBabe707: i mean, i have friends younger and smarter then me
kineticascetic: i see 30 year olds that act like they are 9
vashtari15: exactly- our twisted sense of perception and need for order have caused more distress than necessary due to the incorrect denotations and connotations we derive when we learn a person's age
vashtari15: relying upon that rather than their specific personal make-up
kineticascetic: right
kineticascetic: it should be based on stages of development
CrackerBabe707: in a lot of aspects
kineticascetic: like most african tribes have a way of determining adulthood
kineticascetic: umm...
vashtari15: and, there are 6 yr olds in college, while there are 31 yr olds not past the maturity level of the average 3 yr old... who is to say that the 31 yr old should have a say in our government, or should be given higher precedence than..
vashtari15: the 6 yr old
kineticascetic: right
vashtari15: the 6 yr old is certainly more worldly and informed than the 31 yr old, yet is he/she that would be more likely taken seriously, even handicap in mind, bc ppl are so brainwashed to the ridiculous expectations of society...
CrackerBabe707: and what about older people who havent experienced what would be necessary for making decissions considering that topic
vashtari15: as to not take into account the genius of the 6 yr old, simply due to their age
CrackerBabe707: if they weren't appreciated or taken into consideration then what would be their motivation to continue
CrackerBabe707: intellectually and otherwise
vashtari15: ok
vashtari15: ... are we done?
vashtari15: maybe?
CrackerBabe707: i have no idea
CrackerBabe707: ask alan
kineticascetic: i'd suggest that we change around all those ideas
kineticascetic: but no one would listen
CrackerBabe707: we could find a way to make them
kineticascetic: this world already based on industrialization so there's little hope of it turning around
vashtari15: yeah... ok- here is what i decided- i am posting the first part of this chat on insanereasoning, the second part on my thoughts
CrackerBabe707: how successfull that would be is... well, yeah, what u just said
kineticascetic: we could attempt i suppose
CrackerBabe707: but how in the world could we
CrackerBabe707: and who would listen
kineticascetic: time is an invention geared toward industry just like capitalism
kineticascetic: however its so deep in what we are told that denouncing it sounds immediately ridiculous
CrackerBabe707: but how many people normally consider the way they've lived since birth is nonexistant?
CrackerBabe707: it wouldnt HARM anyone to say... but...
kineticascetic: it'd require some explaining
CrackerBabe707: if no1 would accept it in ne case...
vashtari15: how can we make the whole world listen to us when we are denouncing something we have been taught from the cradle- that time doesn't exist and is there fore irrelevant to the way of life they are living
CrackerBabe707: some?
kineticascetic: well its not irrelevant to their means but it certainly is to one thats more useful to richer, happier lives
vashtari15: and we ourselves are young- so how many ppl would take young ppl seriously talking about something that would in the end benefit us if they were to come to the idea we are spreading
CrackerBabe707: especailly considering we're already socailly considered insane... atleast julie and me to my knowledge...
CrackerBabe707: only other youthfull ppl MIGHT listen
CrackerBabe707: and they'd have to be pretty out there
vashtari15: and how many of them would get it???
vashtari15: how many of them would truly care?
CrackerBabe707: depending
CrackerBabe707: not many
CrackerBabe707: except the people tired of being treated like less then they are
vashtari15: most of my other friends that i have tried to have this conversation with tell me i'm insane, i think too much, and eventually to shut the hell up
CrackerBabe707: all those that;ve always been called too young and not sane and all that stuff....
kineticascetic: wait
vashtari15: and they are tired of being treated the way they are
kineticascetic: that baffles me
kineticascetic: how is any of this insane
CrackerBabe707: which part>?
kineticascetic: any of it
CrackerBabe707: i suggest u re read it
vashtari15: first off- the fact that we are denouncing something everybody knows about, believes in, and lives by would seem insane to most ppl
kineticascetic: why?kineticascetic: to most ppl
kineticascetic: and just like tiem, that doesnt make it a reality
vashtari15: bc you take away something someon has grown up with it disconcerts them- they reject it
vashtari15: no one wants to hear that
CrackerBabe707: becuase they cling to what they know. especailly in a time like these when people are confused about issues ...
kineticascetic: no one with money that is
CrackerBabe707: and the people with money have gotten rich the way things are so why change it>
vashtari15: do you remember how christians reacted at first when we discovered dinosaurs existed thousands of years b4 humans ever developed
vashtari15: or how jewish, muslim, and christians would have to change many things if we found out extraterrestral beings lived?
kineticascetic: not much
CrackerBabe707: enough to make some people break
vashtari15: yes
CrackerBabe707: depending on their faith and emotional security
vashtari15: it sort of defies a bit in the bible, torah, quran.
vashtari15: there was a scramble when they had to change and said what is a day to god?
kineticascetic: the word "mankind" is used alot in the bible tho
vashtari15: you still have to say it upsets things a bit
CrackerBabe707: a bit?!?
vashtari15: if something tries to wreck or change things ppl have known, or thought they knew were in existence for hundreds of years, they will take a while to adjust, if they do
vashtari15: that has to be understood
vashtari15: and i hope we can wrap this up in the next... 10 min
kineticascetic: well it might sense "all of creation" hadn't been thought to be small marine lifeforms on mars
vashtari15: cuz i have to get off then
CrackerBabe707: poor julie.
vashtari15: yeah
vashtari15: so can we work on the wrapping up ?
kineticascetic: but i blame that on an example for that situation not being present
vashtari15: yeah
CrackerBabe707: well, julie, are u posting this?
vashtari15: definitely
CrackerBabe707: we can always go over it later then
CrackerBabe707: since you and i both have to go
kineticascetic: when moses was writting, for example, he couldve had the amoutn of time it wouldve taken to list possibilities
vashtari15: but still- you know i hate loose ends
CrackerBabe707: yeah
vashtari15: "time"
kineticascetic: so generalities work
vashtari15: lol
kineticascetic: lol
kineticascetic: space between him sitting down and becaming irritated from carpal tunnel syndrome
kineticascetic: there
vashtari15: also- i hate to do this... but... *sigh; shrug* oh well....
CrackerBabe707: the last thing i have to say is this: it wouldnt be so very opposing if there was an alternative
CrackerBabe707: but that gets into a whole nother issue
vashtari15: ok-the whole 7 days thing: why would the ppl who wrote the bbl say 7 days in gods terms when they were writing the bible for humans. and if so, why not say "in god's terms"???
CrackerBabe707: and finding one would be a bit immpossible
vashtari15: and if not, why would god have told them a lie
vashtari15: just me being me and questioning absolutely everything...
vashtari15: again
kineticascetic: i must say im guilty of the "what is a day?" thing, but i've been forced to denounce that arguement since im very criticle of our scientific analysis up to this pint
CrackerBabe707: point
vashtari15: lol
vashtari15: carrie- mini-moi
vashtari15: lol
kineticascetic: lol
CrackerBabe707: shh
kineticascetic: pint
CrackerBabe707: lol
CrackerBabe707: that was a smart one
kineticascetic: because i think many of them are drunk
kineticascetic: lol jk
CrackerBabe707: nice
CrackerBabe707: yall do realize it's 10:00
vashtari15: carrie? your views in the next 4 min?
vashtari15: nope
CrackerBabe707: yes
vashtari15: 956
CrackerBabe707: *shakes fist*
CrackerBabe707: well, my views are kinda hazed rite now...
CrackerBabe707: iono
kineticascetic: i feel like im sharpening mine by being in this discussion
kineticascetic: and its time that always brings them to a close
vashtari15: yeah, don't you?
kineticascetic: *shakes fist*
vashtari15: lol
vashtari15: stupid time
kineticascetic: dont i what?
vashtari15: which doesn't exist
CrackerBabe707: gosh
vashtari15: sharpen your views by being in these discussions
kineticascetic: i do
vashtari15: rhetorical question
CrackerBabe707: i never really thought of this topic before now
kineticascetic: and i look forward to more
vashtari15: hell yes!
CrackerBabe707: Julie... always making me think
kineticascetic: me neither
vashtari15: next topic- the stereotypical beauty
vashtari15: hehe- don't i tho?
CrackerBabe707: grr
CrackerBabe707: dude... i gots to get off
CrackerBabe707: *tears*
kineticascetic: aww
vashtari15: oh- read up on my "beautiful" post on mythoughts
vashtari15: for pointers
CrackerBabe707: maybe i wont have to tho
kineticascetic: i have already
vashtari15: i do
vashtari15: in like 1.5 min
vashtari15: i think...
CrackerBabe707: lets not go into time
vashtari15: yeah
CrackerBabe707: lol
kineticascetic: uhhh... beauty is related to fondness i think
vashtari15: crap
CrackerBabe707: what
vashtari15: this chat is 32 pgs long
vashtari15: lol
kineticascetic: lol
CrackerBabe707: lol
kineticascetic: dang
CrackerBabe707: thats hilarious
vashtari15: oops
vashtari15: g2g
CrackerBabe707: k
vashtari15: bye!!! much love
CrackerBabe707: ttyl
kineticascetic: oh ok
kineticascetic: *hug*
kineticascetic: bye!
vashtari15: *hug!
You have just entered room "oompaloompateletubbie."
CrackerBabe707 has entered the room.
kineticascetic has entered the room.
vashtari15: stereotypical beauty anyone?
kineticascetic: so uhh
kineticascetic: yeah sure
CrackerBabe707: do u really wanna get me started on that./
vashtari15: yes
CrackerBabe707: hehehe
vashtari15: ok... first, who has read my post on that?
CrackerBabe707: are we gonna be the only
CrackerBabe707: nvm that
CrackerBabe707: i havent
kineticascetic: based on sex ---> shouldn't be
CrackerBabe707: huh>?
kineticascetic: i think i have
CrackerBabe707: i havent
CrackerBabe707: *sighs*
CrackerBabe707: if its recent i havent neway
vashtari15: not for a while
vashtari15: like- sept
vashtari15: 28
vashtari15: something
CrackerBabe707: i think i remember
kineticascetic: ok
kineticascetic: thoughts?
vashtari15: you can go skim it
CrackerBabe707: i cant check right now ... *glares at mom* ,,,
vashtari15: urgh
vashtari15: um... one sec
CrackerBabe707: ok
vashtari15: Beautiful- Definition as by The Merriam Webster Dictionary: characterized by beauty; lovely.
vashtari15: I have to admit, many people tell me that I am in some way physically attractive, or appealing to the eyes. But they have phrased it in so many ways. Hot, sexy, pretty, cute, beautiful, attractive, gorgeous, etc.
vashtari15: The list goes on and on. Frankly, some of these I find a bit degrading. I still accept it as a compliment, because that is how (I suppose) it was meant, but the words many people use are certainly not my preference.
vashtari15: For instance- hot/sexy. Both of these words sound like the person saying them is attracted to your body in a sexual manner. Which is not exactly what I want to hear.
kineticascetic: oh, THAT
kineticascetic: yes i know this one
vashtari15: yeah
vashtari15: ok
CrackerBabe707: i've heard this one too
kineticascetic: and i have a distinct opinion on it
CrackerBabe707: and we talked about it after a vocal lesson
vashtari15: yeah
vashtari15: so... shall we all toss our opinions into the crazy thought pot that is oompaloompateletubbie?
kineticascetic: i think it can be applied in layers
CrackerBabe707: the rest of your distinct opinion?
kineticascetic: like a person can be cute in certain ways, beautiful in certain ways, hot in others
CrackerBabe707: yeah
CrackerBabe707: that makes sence
vashtari15: yeah
vashtari15: sense
vashtari15: not sence
CrackerBabe707: u know what i mean ok
CrackerBabe707: in ne case
vashtari15: yes
kineticascetic: althought beautiful is a term with a certain amoutn of power behind it and represends a general understanding
vashtari15: i really don't know how long i have on here...
kineticascetic: goes best with radiance
CrackerBabe707: get over it
vashtari15: i think thats what i said in mine
CrackerBabe707: (directed at julie)
kineticascetic: yeah
kineticascetic: it works
vashtari15: In any case, beautiful just seems more respectful, and more awe-inspiring, and just more... encompassing. It's like- you're drawn to them because of their looks, but not in a sexual way- just because they look... amazing.
vashtari15: I guess, it's like saying that they're ... radiant... for lack of a better term.
kineticascetic: exactly
vashtari15: "from blog"
vashtari15: so yeah
CrackerBabe707: well, it would really depend on how you say the word... like those guys who say 'ur beautiful' just because they know it works
kineticascetic: its got alot of respect behind it
vashtari15: yeah
vashtari15: but the word in itself minus the false meanings guys may put it to use for
kineticascetic: i hold back the word for the most part
vashtari15: or girls for that part
vashtari15: you seem like the type of person who would
CrackerBabe707: and if you keep saying a word because of what ppl will take it as, then ppl will say it in a diffrent sense and that would change the view on the word completely
kineticascetic: just like i hold back the word "love"
CrackerBabe707: gosh how many guys are like that
CrackerBabe707: no offense
kineticascetic: thus the whole time thing
kineticascetic: lol anyways wrong subject
CrackerBabe707: hehe
kineticascetic: not many? i know
kineticascetic: wait..nvm
vashtari15: ...is that the word "love" has been worn out from centuries of use: I don't say it lightly, but it scares me to trust it too much. "blog on dreamless slumber: what you don't know about me"
CrackerBabe707: but hey, whats worse is the guys spilling out the big word when they dont even know you...
kineticascetic: i read that
kineticascetic: yeah
vashtari15: that was... wait...
vashtari15: oh wow... that was august...
kineticascetic: lol ....umm
vashtari15: hm...
kineticascetic: i was gonan refer to someone
vashtari15: i didn't remember that being so short a time ago
kineticascetic: she's going out with steward...
CrackerBabe707: i think i might have read up on that
vashtari15: hm... yeah
kineticascetic: i forgot her name
vashtari15: stewart
kineticascetic: sara
kineticascetic: sara doesnt understand that word
CrackerBabe707: tyler ... remember him
vashtari15: yeah
CrackerBabe707: well theres those people who think that love at first sight is all pure and everything
vashtari15: hehe... it's not
CrackerBabe707: but when people wont show the real thems how can you love them
kineticascetic: the sole reason for sara begrudging david strohm is because he understands what the word means and she doesnt
vashtari15: yup
vashtari15: to both of you
CrackerBabe707: but if you never try to love then how will you know when theres the true emotion
CrackerBabe707: it would take a few mistakes
CrackerBabe707: once again depending on the person
kineticascetic: i think appearance and love can go hand in hand based on perception
kineticascetic: ah
kineticascetic: well heres another thing
kineticascetic: i dont think its an emotion
CrackerBabe707: really
CrackerBabe707: why not
kineticascetic: its a choice
CrackerBabe707: not necessarily
vashtari15: i have to agree with alan
vashtari15: bc
kineticascetic: affection is an emotion, love is different
CrackerBabe707: it can be avoided by unwillingness
CrackerBabe707: and theres the whole 'chemical thingy' explaining love
vashtari15: emotions are simply chemical reactions in the brain- love has to be something stronger than that.
vashtari15: affection=emotion
CrackerBabe707: it would all depend on your defenition of love
kineticascetic: love is about committment and trust
vashtari15: love=subconscious choice
kineticascetic: and mutuality
CrackerBabe707: you dont always trust the person your convinced you love
CrackerBabe707: *caughs the word parents*
vashtari15: then you aren't loving them at that point in time
kineticascetic: i once thought of what i would say if sanna wanted to leave me
kineticascetic: my very, very first thought was "ok"
vashtari15: and how many times have you convinced yourself of something that isn't true
kineticascetic: i cant explain that
CrackerBabe707: who really can
CrackerBabe707: but about the convincing part... if you didnt truly believe you loved the person then it would it matter how much trust you had for a replacable person
kineticascetic: but i think ive bonded with her enough to be concerned with her interests over mine
vashtari15: time for example... not true... but we convince ourselves it is- the same way that we convince ourselves that affection has matured into love, or that we "can't live without them" whoever they are
kineticascetic: "can't live without them" means we use them to validate us
vashtari15: yeah

kineticascetic: and that road nearly always ends in failure
vashtari15: sorta what i mean
CrackerBabe707: give someone your everything and have nothing if they leave... as for convincing (again) you could live without them... although it wouldnt be the same...
kineticascetic: the same? i think love is being greatful for the other person's very existance
kineticascetic: *existence
vashtari15: if it shuts me off in 3 min, i'm sorry
CrackerBabe707: it would be changed... first you were him with her (or w/e the gender) and then you were jsut you
kineticascetic: oh ok
CrackerBabe707: poor julie
kineticascetic: it was always you
vashtari15: but when you say him with her, you are putting two together, which isn't really practical or safe for that matter
CrackerBabe707: but it wouldnt seem like that
vashtari15: again- basing existence on other person
kineticascetic: but with real love you would have bonded with them to the point where seperation wouldn't make you lose that bond
CrackerBabe707: because if you believe you love them then you in some ways become one... and some seperations, like death of one, are unavoidable to a certain extent
vashtari15: and yet this bond doesn't necessarily make you him with her it just... crap- can't explain
vashtari15: it's a concept of two together, not one and one coming together to make one
CrackerBabe707: well if your in love would it not seem like you become just one
kineticascetic: thats a marriage concept, the two making one thing
vashtari15: it's the concept that you can be yourself with them being themselves, and still being together and connected, and being happy for the other person being themself.
CrackerBabe707: yeah, that makes sence
CrackerBabe707: sense
CrackerBabe707: scuse me
kineticascetic: but of course, from our divorce rate its obvious that we can never in love become one
CrackerBabe707: neways
vashtari15: and if you become one, then when you split or whatever, you are left only with a half, and half's can't support itself
CrackerBabe707: you need something to fill up the empty space
vashtari15: no- divorce rate shows ppl jump in too quickly and dont have a sense
vashtari15: *of "love'
kineticascetic: right
CrackerBabe707: whether religion or another partner... right (divorce rate thing)
kineticascetic: its something i hope sara learns before that time
vashtari15: yeah
CrackerBabe707: well if it's something you yourself havent experienced then how would you know that it was wrong
kineticascetic: ignorance is a potent force i guess
vashtari15: that and sometimes you can just feel that something is off
vashtari15: gut feeling, ya know?
CrackerBabe707: well if you want to believe all is well it's perfectly possible to believe untill you're proved wrong
kineticascetic: and alot of people ignore that apparently

Beautiful...

Beautiful- Definition as by The Merriam Webster Dictionary: characterized by beauty; lovely. I have to admit, many people tell me that I am in some way physically attractive, or appealing to the eyes. But they have phrased it in so many ways. Hot, sexy, pretty, cute, beautiful, attractive, gorgeous, etc. The list goes on and on. Frankly, some of these I find a bit degrading. I still accept it as a compliment, because that is how (I suppose) it was meant, but the words many people use are certainly not my preference.

For instance- hot/sexy. Both of these words sound like the person saying them is attracted to your body in a sexual manner. Which is not exactly what I want to hear. This is all my opinion of course, and I am certain that while some people don't mean it to have that particular message (though some certainly do), I would rather not be called this. It seems like guys are envisioning using me for something they can just as well use their hand for. Both mean sexually appealing to the eyes. Perhaps it is your boobs, perhaps your ass, but whatever the meaning is, it is not meant for just anyone. How many people nowadays, who have their sight altered by the misleading media, would call a 250-lb 5' 5" woman "sexy"??? I'm sure that there are some people out there, but not anyone I know. And, girls, don't you hate it when a guy is completely ignoring you, and having a conversation with your breasts or your cleavage, even though it is your mouth that is speaking???

Next, we have the pretty/cute. This is certainly less degrading that hot/sexy, but not quite up to par either. Normally, when we have a guy telling a girl that she is pretty/cute, he is saying that she might have potential to become either hot/sexy, gorgeous, or beautiful, but that she is at an innocent stage. We call babies cute, and 5-years cute or pretty. But basically, what this says to me is, if I looked at you, I would like the way you look, but my eyes wouldn't be drawn to you like magnets from across the room. Which, in my opinion is equivolent to an "eh..."

As for gorgeous- this is getting slightly better. There are two ways to take this kind of compliment. One is to say that a girl is hot/sexy in a more sophisticated way. The other, is to say she is almost beautiful, but not quite.

Stunning is the same as gorgeous in the almost beautiful, but not quite way also.

Beautiful- I've been called this by about 5 or 6 people- none of which I've believed, but only because of my low self-esteem crap. In any case- I like being called beautiful more than the others, because it can describe not only the outside, but the inside. You don't very often call somebody's sould sexy, or their mind hot, do you? In any case, beautiful just seems more respectful, and more awe-inspiring, and just more... encompassing. It's like- you're drawn to them because of their looks, but not in a sexual way- just because they look... amazing. I guess, it's like saying that they're ... radiant... for lack of a better term.

In any case- now you've heard my take on this subject, so write l8r!

printers, fights, and popsicles-
Julie

how we change and grow.

have you ever noticed how we change over the summer? how we grow, and develop more into ourselves? maybe it is the fact that we aren't concentrating so much on school, or concentrated on not concentrating on school. the fact that for those extra 7 hours in a day we still get to be ourselves. get to devote more time to doing what we want to do.

what is school??? it teaches us math, science, english, history, etc. who cares??? why do we need algebra??? why do we need to know the correct way to speak??? what years Shakespeare was born and died??? Personally- I think that most people have an idea of what they want to do by the time they get into high school- or at least an idea of what they don't want to do. that being true- why be forced to pursue areas we will drop the minute we move into the real world? isn't that then wasting time in our lives learning something that won't apply to our adult lives when we could be perfecting our knowledge about the things we do plan on doing??? personally, i know i want to either teach band, choir, orchestra, symphony, creative writing, or be a psychologist. i know i want nothing to do with history, and nothing to do with a regular english course, nothing to do with physical fitness, or advanced computers. Then aren't I wasting my time in classes that won't apply to the rest of my life??? couldn't I be spending my time better learning and specializing in those subjects now, so that I have a fuller understanding and comprehending of them when i get into college or to my actual job??? frankly, i don't see how knowing how many kids shakespeare had will help me when i am treating anorexic patients.

so much time wasted in schools learning stuff we will never apply. so useless. and yet the things we want to learn- they do not supply. how flawed the school system is. they are turning us into clones you know. we have little individuality. rather than being permitted and encouraged to pursue our passions and our long-term goals, they require us to learn the same basics saying it will help us no matter what we do. they lie. if they were to support our decisions for a career and nurture it correctly rather than spreading us out so thin over many irrelevant courses, maybe we would do better.

stupid stereotypes II

ok, ok, ok- so i've posted on this topic b4... your point is??? i have more comments i would like to add, plus, it's been MONTHS, for goodness' sakes, since the last post on this topic, so i think you could let me off the hook, ya know???
---
ok, well, today i went to wendy's for food (yes, i was actually eating! omg... not) anyway, and i looked on the receipt, and it said 'ya'll come back!'... well, i felt that it was completely idiotic of them to try and appeal to southerners by using 'southern' talk on their receipts. not even all people who live in the south talk like that. i know that i myself have rarely in my life, if ever and not purposely to make fun out of it, let out a 'ya'll'... and i have many people who will back me up on that. Frankly i think that stereotypes are a complete waste of time. the only thing that they accomplish is to make people who try to be themselves feel out of place, and force those of a weaker will to bend to the expectations society has set for them, and to lose their sense of self in an attempt to be accepted by society, when, in truth, they still aren't accepted by society, their actions are accepted by society. if i were to go to a new school, and dress "right" and act "right" then facade that i gave to the world would be accepted, though if they ever knew the real me, they would more than likely reject me. I believe that I, myself, have moved past the brainwashed mode of thinking, and rather than basing my beliefs on people as what they are, i base my opinions on people as to who they are. I know that I personally would hate to have everybody make impressions of me by the way i dress, or the music i listen to, or the make-up i wear, or who i hang out with. I find it utterly ridiculous that while people preach about treating men and women the same, and people of different races the same, and people of different religions the same, and to not discriminate against them for their differences in these areas which are all quite deep and personal, people still are so shallow as to base their feelings on someone distinctly because of the color clothes they wear, or the bands they listen to. you would think, that having moved past being biased on such grounds as religion, or race, people would know to look deeper than the surface. For they are already looking deeper than biological roots and personal beliefs. Unfortunately, that is not the case, and we still live in a world run by superficial, shallow clones draped in misery, secrets, lies, and deception. We still are subject to people who are afraid to explore the depths of their own mind in an attempt to be accepted for that which is acceptable. Where people would rather discard the truth of themselves to be replaced by a plastic perfect barbie with the plastic perfect life. and all the raggedy-ann dolls, are simply cast aside in this nightmarish "perfect"-only place we dementedly call home, for where else is there that we can live?

this hope that consumes us without our knowledge

have you ever noticed that when things seem to get so bad, and you say 'i wish i would just d1e'... that you never really mean it? bc if you meant it, then wouldn't you go and ki11 yourself? if you meant it- wouldn't you just quit and give up hope? then why do we say this. even when we feel that there is really no use in continuing, still we persevere- still we attempt to live our lives. and even when we do try to take those pills, or use that knife, or some other means to our end, and it should have worked- we know that medically we should not have been able to fail- yet we still hold on to life. maybe there is something in our body, or in our mind, or our ultimate being, that still holds us back from that finality that would be our demise. or maybe we simply aren't ready to move on to whatever comes next. maybe we don't move on until we are ready, or until we reach a point where we could never be ready, no matter what else happened. what happens to those people who have only become a shell? the light within them has gone out, but they still 'live' ... but is it even really living? what do we call living? the presence of certain procedures going on inside our bodies? a heartbeat, breath, and brain activity? but can't all of these happen and you still are not living? what happens to the soul... that is the ultimate question. You hear about people being changed- not seeming in the least bit themselves. I had a friend, that her closest friend, confidante, and cousin- all one person- d1ed, and she became simply a shell. yes- she was still living- by all medical terms in any case- but her self was not... and is that not what makes us really live. she d1ed in a car , and the other driver, who was drunk, was said to be the cause of her ceasing to live, but she was already gone long before that. he just finished off her body. she had escaped to that next step weeks before she had stepped into that car that morning.
and what is that next step in any case? heaven, hell, nirvana, a void, some plane parallel to ours, yet not quite of it? what really comes after our life in this world. and is this a life at all- what if this was a step that was after a previous one? what if we simply live our lives in cycles, going back and forth between different planes. what is the point of our lives if they are just to be terminated in any case? where did our souls come from in the first place?
argh- too many questions with too few answers to be found- if they can be found at all. yet still we wonder, still we seek these intangible solutions to our queries, the x-factor, the y-factor, the z-factor in our unfinished equation of how the world works. why bother being curious if the answers cannot even be found? because we as humans have a need to know no matter the cost. we seek to understand that which we do not, and when we do, if we do, we turn to another mystery that confuses it and attempt to conquer it to. maybe it is that which drives us to not end it when we feel the despair wash over us and drown us in its miserable tears. the need to know- if i go on, what happens next???

... if I go on, what happens next?

What Governs Our Lives...

(Quotes from a chat with Carrie-)

...but is anything we ever do really OUR choice- i mean, i know we feel that way, but what if we are just pawns in some bored god's game? or some indulgent god's bored child's game? and we are just made to think that we have free choice? ...

...or what if it is fate? or if everything is decided by karma? ...

...this feels so concrete- so certain- more than half of the stuff i have experienced in my life- it feels as if i have just gotten a knowledge of my future that is to come...

...not something i can change- but since im aware of it, why cant i change it? is that fate then? or karma?...

...or is it a choice i am just bound to make? but if i am bound to make it, then, ... isnt it still fate?...

---
Really though- what if we are all just parts of somebody's game, just miniature figures for somebody to move around whenever they get bored. Btw- I am talking about something that I think might happen... no- am certain will happen- more than knowledge. I feel it in everything intangible in me- my soul, my brain, my heart, my conscious, my subconscious. Every single tendril of my being is telling me it is to come true. What it is I will not say though. But this is not one of those things i think might happen, nor want to happen, though in a way I do. It is a sublime knowledge- complete certainty that I hold within myself. I want to avoid it because of consequences that I know would result from the action, but it seems inevitable. Yet if I can 'see my future' then why am I so certain I will not be able to change it? It is as simple as saying 'no' that would alter all of this that I am so sure will come to pass. Yet something deep inside of me is certain that this thing won't just go away.

If things in our lives are determined by karma- then one thing in our life is unaffected- our first action that must have some consequence. After that- it is simply how we react to all the circumstances we have placed ourselves in by that first action, and then the circumstances from those karmic reactions, and so on and so forth- so basically our future is decided by the choices we make- but not in our control, for it is done unto us as we did unto others. Then all we can do is make sure that we take that as nicely as we can to avoid more uncomfortable circumstances.

If every thing is decided by fate, then we are lying to ourselves when we tell ourselves that we have a choice in how our lives are lived. Or maybe we aren't lying to ourselves, but are being lied to by whatever power there is that is controlling us- or if we are the said party, then we are ignorant and in a round circle that never ends. Do we control our fate? and if so, then is it truly fate? Is it not free choice? But if it is already decided by the actions that we will make, then what is it?

We do not know what would have come to pass if we did not make the decisions we did, or will not make the decisions we are going to. Was there ever a question of the decision we made in the first place? Would it have even been possible for us to take the alternate course? Is there some other dimension in which we did make that other decision, and every different decision has its own reality split off, and then another from the next decision, and another. So many decisions are made in a day- what color shirt to wear, which road to take... a different shirt could mean your crush telling you you look nice, and leading to a relationship, and marriage, and children, one of them being the next president. Which road to take could let you get into an , and d1e, or the other could let you live, and have a kid. And what, in face, happens to all the children that were never born. A man, k1lled, and all the children he might have had... where did they go? Or a woman for that chance? And what about their nonexistant grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren... Where do all those lost opportunities go?

©Julie Pyle, 2005

A Different Kind Of Love

Why is it that ppl find homo$exuals so offensive nowadays? People always freak out and say that 'it's not natural' or something else- in fact, the way i put it was what you can say is nice- considering some of the stuff that people say. I know a lot of guys who find two s together are $exy as hell... in fact, i think i might be dating one. but in a way, this is also degrading- if you think about it- the only reason that they find this appealing is because they can have two at once. I admire people who are true to the preferences- whether itbe the opposite gender, the same gender- or whoever they happen to fall for. Love is love no matter who the giver or the receiver. If you happen to find it somebody the same $ex as you, then go for it. Don't listen to what everybody else says. If you are going to listen to waht everybody else says- you won't be able to date anyone- somebody is always going to disagree with your decision. If i listened to ppl about who i should and should not have gone out with- i wouldnt have gone out with anybody- ever. In fact i've had more controversial arguments from my 'friends' on my current relationship than ever- and i'm glad i didnt listen to them. It doesn't matter what other people's problems are with your relationship- that's their problem- you are in it for the love (or the $ex, whatever, lol!) you have to go along with your heart. Whether it is over anything from the color of their eyes to their age (within reason) to their ethnic background, to their money situation to their past, to their future (or their nonexistant future) to their grades to their gender - you are in a relationship for love of that person's personality- not their achievements, not their iq's, not their grade, not their gender. You want to be in a relationship with that person because you like them as a person- maybe even love them- whether or not they are a male or a female makes no difference. I'm not much for history- but i remember- it was either the greeks or the romans- the greeks i believe- but they were very open to same-gender relationships- they were appreciative of beauty in any form- and not only on the outside- but the inside as well. If only today's society could be more open-minded and accepting- alas that is the problem we hold. To be accepted- something we always wish and yearn for, but can never fully attain.

©Julie Pyle, 2005

When You Would D1e...

Have you ever felt so strongly about something, that you would die just to make sure that it was perfect? Like a cause, or a person, or a pet or something like that. Like, (going to get a bit religious for a minute) how Jesus 'died on the cross for us' and all that other stuff. Well- I'm no Jesus, but there are some things that I would die just to make sure that they were ok. What got me started thinking about this topic was last night when i was talking to my bf, and I heard some of the stuff he was going thru, bc basically I had started asking him some 'life questions', if you know what I mean. But it's not just him. I have a ton of friends who go thru stupid $hit every day of their lives. Life isn't perfect, but for my friends I wish it would be. See- the first thing you have to know about me and my take on friends, is that, until somebody and I get extremely close- they are still just acquaintances. Friends aren't just the people I hang out with- otherwise I'd have over a hundred friends. Friends are the people I can talk to, who talk to me, who care, whom I care about very deeply. Basically- my friends are the people most would say are their best friends. I don't know why I do this- but I don't open myself up for just anybody. I guess it is a guard against being hurt. I seem to be excessively apprehensive over that lately- getting hurt... its probably just the ppd, but... in any case. The people that I count my friends, are like, maybe... 14? 17 at the most. And seven of them aren't even going to be going to Mills this coming year. But for those average of 15.5 friends I have (lol) I would do anything for them to be genuinely happy. After my lovely 8th grade experience, people don't get near my heart easily, and if they do- then they are everything to me. And I want everything for them.

©Julie Pyle, 2005

why is it that when we are going through something- we tend to keep it to ourselves? i normally try to talk about it with my friends or boyfriend, but lately... i dont. and its not that i couldnt, i just choose not to. id rather 'suffer in silence', as somebody once put it. i guess... in a way i am trying to protect them from knowing how messed up ive gotten. frankly i still dont think im that special, and that im not really worth worrying about. also- in a way- i feel like they wouldnt be able to understand. then, there is also the fear that they just plain wouldn't care. ive had a lot of that happen- especially down in white hall. people would be my 'friends' and then when i needed them the most- just... turn away. down in white hall i had about... 4 real friends- and 3 of them ended up deserting me at several times when i needed somebody to be there. the other one now- i just plain haven't heard from in months- but it wasnt really his choice- situations at home. up here... i guess i have about ten that i can pretty much always count on- well... they havent deserted me yet. i have a feeling that a couple will- but i know that 6 i can count on 100%- david, carrie, rachel, stewart, ari, and sarah declerk. so i guess that it is more out of fear that they won't care that i don't talk to people, even tho i know that i have ppl who care- i guess it is the ppd. i know how desperate i get when i know that one of my friends has something going on, and he/she wont admit it or talk about it. so i guess i can imagine how they feel. my life is not a complete disaster- the bad stuff is just sometimes overwhelming. i try to be 'happy,' for my sake and my friends'. i am really trying to work through all the crap, but sometimes it just takes over. i dont know. i have a friend who is more used to listening to other's ordeals rather than communicating his own- i understand that. i just wish that he could feel comfortable talking to me. i do care. i don't hang out with people i don't care about- that would be a waste of time. ultimately in the end- it is his decision. just like it is mine. and i would like to apologize to the ppl who DO care about me- i really do appreciate you, tho i may not always show it. never doubt that.

love...

such a short word, only four letters- definition as found in merriam webster's dictionary- 1- strong affection, 2- warm attachment, 3- desire based on attraction, 4- unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for others... but what does this really mean? you go to look up a word in the dictionary, and find it necessary to look up another, and another... until you are finally back to that original word to which you were seeking a meaning for.

what does love really mean? it is a feeling, yes, but to simply call it a "strong affection" would be an immense understatement. if you had to describe to someone who had never been cared for, never cared about something or someone, what love was, how would you do it? you could say it was a warm, fuzzy feeling you got... but then you would have to explain that you didn't mean like a coat... how do you grasp the true definition of something so intangible in this limited language we have created for ourselves. the vocabulary we have produced for our use is greatly flawed, for it can only describe so much- it is only truly appropriate for things with no depth. computer, keyboard, paper, pencil, book- these are all actual things- we know them, can accurately define them... there is no subtlety about them. they are what they are and that is all. there are no underlying currents, no invisible eddies that we must cover in our verbal approach to explaining them. but emotion- ah, how are we to do that? happy, sad, angry, love, ... these all have so many parts and different points to them. we know what they are, but when we try to put our knowledge into words, ... we are lost. humans and the different aspects of their personalities are far too complex to put into specific enough and accurate enough terms to truly grasp the meaning that therein lies. even i have extensive knowledge of the english language, but i would be gravely mistaken to claim that i had the certainty of how to define 'love'...

we are bound by the limit of our words' denotations, and given a false hope by the connotations we derive from the words we speak. yet through all this we still insist upon using this imperfect form of communication we have created for ourselves. there lies the irony- in a society much consumed and obsessed with faultlessness, we use it every day. how can three such simple words- 'i love you'- even though two are of assured certainty, completely convey those sentiments and passions which we feel in ourselves? this barrage of affection that flows through our whole being like , sustains us like the air, and nourishes us like food? that we could live off of for all eternity and beyond? that, if stolen away, or broken, would kill us as bittersweetly as a sentence buried deep within the fathomless, yet so shallow, words of a note from a lover, if in a lover's note they be? that stalk us as persistently as our shadows do; yet soon cradle us as does the cushion of air when we fall from that cloud we have so surely set ourselves down upon, though we did fall to it in the first place, having fallen in love.

Yes, I am speaking on this subject for I am 'in love', whatever sense those words do possess in their most liberal sense. I am not close-minded: i do not take them for what they are, or rather, what they are said to be; strong affection? such a misprint, the hand that wrote it should be shot for. Alas, i am not the author- for if i had been, i would not so dishonor the word with such a limited definition. Instead, i would have tried to do it justice by saying 'yet to be defined...'

©Julie Pyle, 2005

thx again ari

same as last one...

Hope is the foundation upon which our future lies - every person's future. Humanities future. A painting that reflects the conscience of its generation came about from the amount of hope and how that hope had been formulated. Perhaps through religion? It is reflected.

And now, through science. Our paintings become more sharp, more metallic in comparison to past generations. What happens if humanity ever loses hope? The hope to live? The hope to love?

Immorality. Can you imagine the worst hell fire? That is what would happen if hope was lost. We would kill each other in our last, miniscule hope to survive. That would be the last thing left. And if one lost the hope to survive?

You are . So if you believe in a god, I congratulate you. If you believe in science, I congratulate you. If you believe in humanity, I congratulate you. If you believe in yourself, I congratulate you.

But realize... These hopes are so, very fragile. Fragile as frozen plastic - it and acts like weak paper. The only true hope comes from inside yourself. The strength to do this comes from the conviction inside yourself.

thanx ari

this is a quote from my friend ari- it can be found on her blog, newari.blogspot.com . but it is how i am feeling right now...

I'm tired of the insecurity when people claim to be in 'love'. That word is a bother to me for some reason. It makes me want to crawl up and over a wall and rest over on the other side while everyone else is over on the opposite wall obsessing over something that isn't as good. This concept called 'love'. Pleh...

But you know -- It's funny. You meet someone else and you've seemed to crawl onto that ignorant side of the wall again in your sleep. How?! No one seems to ever be able to wake up when this happens. They don't see it coming until one day -- BOOM. It hits them like a sack of bricks and they are unconscious to everthing around them. You don't need a test or a quiz - hell, a poem or a quote to know if you are in love. All you know is that you are now, AGAIN, on that side of the wall you don't want to be on.

The side of the wall you like is full of security: The security of life.You don't get all of the benifits on only one side of the wall. So you have two choices:-----You can break down the wall,-----Or you can sit on top of the wall and converse from there.

Breaking down the wall would require change - major change in yourself and in your self-esteem though it would hurt you if you built it back up again. You wouldn't notice it again the next time.

You could also sit on top of the wall, but where does that get you? You can't travel forward nor back and you still have that doubt stuck in all of your thoughts. And your love? Your 'love' is selfishness - though you don't even admit this fact to yourself. You are ashamed of it.Don't worry, I am ashamed too, though I am trying to break down the wall. It seems like the best option. I think I am sitting on top of the wall but making my way to the ground to go and get that wrecking ball.

some posts from my other blog...

these are some pieces from my other blog at victoriouzdefeatz.blogspot.com that i felt would go good here...

(Bipolar)
...Really though, to be reflective is a good thing. I find myself taking things in in their entirety now, not just the parts i want to see or don't, and nothing inbetween. I used to see things in black and white. I didn't even stop to think about all the shades of gray inbetween, not to mention the actual COLORS. I would love to say I see a rainbow now, but I don't, and I don't think anybody really does. I think that we all see in black, white, gray, and a few sparks of animated color here and there. I think that there will forever be a spectrum of colors we have yet to see, and I plan on seeing the most of them as I can.

(coincidences)
...You stop taking in the value of all the good things, or weird things, that are happening to you; taking them for granted. To really value life, we need to take stock on every single event, every millisecond in our lives. I gues i'm becoming extremely reflective again. Which is a really good thing. Coming so close to dying, and not just physically, but the worst part, spiritually, is probably what made me that way. But if I'm starting to really take my life, and all the events in it into perspective, maybe it was worth it. Or if it was meant to happen that way, it is working. I think that the problem we humans experience as a whole, is that we try to take into account what is going on in our lives from our point of view, when what we really need is to look at it from an unbiased side. We need to look at it from the other side of the glass. I am going to use my friend Ari's metaphor here, (or is it simile?) and talk about a wall. On one side of the glass wall is blissful ignorance. You see things distortedly, or not at all. The side that most, unfortunately, are on. The other, is were you see things more clearly. You can look through the wall and see the whole story. Every single side. The people who are on this side are very lucky. Sometimes though, it's as if, when you were on the good side, in the blink of an eye, the wall transported itself so that you were on the ignorant side again, seeing everything from one point, where you are standing. (I really need to send a thankyou out to Ari for giving me words to describe this, without you, I'd be sorta lost right now) So, you can either sit on top of the wall, break it down, or continue letting YOUR life get out of your control, and never know which side you will be on in the next moment. Breaking it down would bring all chaos in for quite some time. Unsettling you, and others in your life. In the end, though, probably the best. You can sit on top of the wall, and try to keep things separate, yet view it from both sides. What Ari did not mention to say, however, was that you could, in doing this, risk falling over into the wrong side. More likely the wrong side than the right, unfortunately. I'm still trying to decide whether to sit on top or tear down the wall. I think, though, if I tear down the wall, it's going to have to be brick by brick, not all at once. But if I do that, I'm going to have to double check and make sure it's not trying to creep up on me and rebuild itself while im working on the other side.

(Exactly How Shallow The Seas Are)
...I take things for granted- to feel the shining of the sun, to smell the scent of a rose, to hear the sound of wind, to see the drops of rain, to breathe the air... So many things others have no more. So many things I experience every day. For this sin, I am guilty.
I am thankful for the wrong things- the taste of cotton candy, the touch of a lover, the "perfect" temperature for walking. Things that are not necessary. Things that are not as simple as the sound of rain on a cold sidewalk, or the taste of it on your tongue, or the sight or the perfect thunderstorm, or the feel of the cold, or the smell of the fresh damp air, or the embracing wetness of it on your bare skin. Things that are more beautiful, more meaningful, than some fake perfume. Of this, and wishing for more natural wholesome things, I am guilty.
I am myself. Enough said.

Verdict-

...guilty.

(Deafening Silence)

Oh, how deafening silence can be, when screamed from totured lips, reaching the ears of the faeries and the shades, and blocked to the people who are either screaming their own demented song, or have closed their ears to th cries of the world; to their own wails. Oh, how gifted we are if we are given the chance to hear the banshee yell, for then our ears will forever ring with the subtle, yet overpowering sound of forever madness, instead of this weight we must bear for ourselves. To be lifted from this burden, the great burden of weightless notes of quiet anguish, which transcend above the planes and into the souls of all. This muted cry, from the lost souls of the world, lost to the music played on the broken jewelry box, that haunts, and stalks you through your nightmares, and your dreams. Dreams where the noisiness of traffic overpowers your own silent pleas to be abandoned to sound. To hear, for once, the slow falling of rain instead of crimson tears. To hear the sweet whisperings of the one who knows you completely, and yet still loves you, instead of daunting descriptions of your end by hating inner minions. To hear the violins and the violas, the cello and the bass, the soft keys of the piano, play the sweet sunrise instead of Doom's harp playing the Dying of the Day, the sunset. To replace the screams of your soul with, simply, your breathing.

(stereotyping)

...if I had to describe the majority of today's population, it would have to be...-a group of insecure people that conform themselves to modern day society's (their own!) perception of that "perfect" person and discard their true selves in an attempt to be "accepted" and "loved", and also ignore the ther people who step outside the mold, who walk zigzag instead of in a straight, uniform line of same-cut paper dolls. Pitiful, isn't it? But what is even more pitiful is the fact that i and a lot of other people believe that I am right. really though, if everybody acted like themselves and accepted different things (which would then, actually be normal), people would be better able to accept themselves for who they were and the fact that they're human. Embrace their flaws as the part of them that made them unique. If not that, at least there wouldn't be as many bulimic conceited plactic barbies that looked more like black-and-white broken porcelain clown dolls.

(Sick)

...The discussion turned to mental disorders, and interesting subject when you get into one with somebody who has one, ... some... several... okay, a lot. Let's see: anorexia, bulimia, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive perfectionist, manic depressive, rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, social phobia, attention deficit disorder, suicidal, cutter, shows early signs of schizophrenia, the list goes on and on. Frankly, it doesn't really daunt me that much, but then again, it's me, so...

[Absent from school (from... everything?...)]

...I am in a very deep profound mood right now. I feel the need to review, to understand. Now that I have overcome, I need to get why. I need to get how. I need to be able to comprehend what has happened in the past to understand now, to, not predict the future, but to understand why and how things have come to happen once they do. I fell that all is happening now. The past, the present, and the future, are all occuring as I type. After all, at one point in "time", the past was the present, and before that, it was the future. The concept we know as "present" is ever changing. Our next second's present is now in the future, ... and now past. One melts into the other, it is an ever-changing cycle. The future is already happening in some "time", the past was the future in another. The only constant is us. Or are we constant? After all, every single cell, every single one, is replaced in the "time" span of 7 years. We are literally not the same person we were when we were younger. To think, that this body, every single bit of it, is completely different, yet still holds the same thoughts, the same memories, the same emotions... And all through the wonder of "science", or is it fate? What is it? What controls us? chemicals, a benevolent god, fate, ourselves??? Will we ever know? "When" will we find out? Is it all a useless loop of birth life and deth?

Unfortunately, I do not claim to know the answers. And if I did, it would be a terrible secret, for to truly know exactly how EVERYTHING works, ... we can only imagine. but even then, we cannot imagine accurately, for we do not truly know anything until we experience it ourselves. And then what are we to do?

(today was umm...)

...Now to the box part. Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but have you ever thought of just like, i dunno, living in a box? (told you it was going to be weird) But like, pretend you didn't need any food or drink and just lived in the box. and it was completely white, and the whole reason for your life was just to color it. And all you had with you were sharpies (just my personal preference, you could use pencils, crayons, markers, whatever) I would use black sharpies and white out. But like, you knew what was in the outside world, everything, but what would you fill your world with? Just a question. I mean really, if you had to create your own world, what would you put in it. What would be so important that you would include it (or so unimportant that you would discard it?). I started saying crap on the bus, like s, and rainbows and cotton candy clouds, but to tell you the truth, I really don't know. Interesting isn't it?

(save me from myself)

...i feel as if i am falling into this hole in my mind, and im being pushed- but i am the one pushing myself. there is so much going on, but i am the one causing all of it. i know i could stop if i wanted to, but in a way, i dont. i have lived so long with these "problems" i really dont know how to function without them. today, for instance, i actually ate and kept down about 800-850 cals (talking about my anorexia) and i feel the need to eat just so i can throw up (now going over to bulimia) just to make myself feel better. actually, tho, i think i got those all out- i exercised a ton today- my hands are shaking as i am typing right now. i haven't cut for so long, but i rubbed a knife across my skin last night, and the night before that, and the night before that, ... never leaving a mark, but i just had to. i smoked again, surprisingly i didn't do anything on 4:20. that was a little weird. i am REALLY tempted to start up some of those old again. i am depressed ALL the time, i just never notice it until it is either extremely quiet or extremely loud. i am always at extremes, but i think that the ecstatically happy is more of a way to hide the extremely depressed. i am paranoid a lot too. i always feel like somebody is watching me. like they are going to make a "mistake" that will tip the world and mess up everything. i break down crying every single night, for some weird demented reason or another. last night it was bc of a joke i read on the internet- a really funny one too, but i ended up crying...

("Alone I Break"- rach)

...i feel so alone right now- it feels as if i am in a crowded room, but everybody else is off doing their own thing and going 100x faster than i am. so i just end up in this corner, with my head down, and my hair in my face, and just become that much more invisible... i sorta want to right now. lately i have felt extremely vulnerable and unprotected. *sighs* guess that is just how everything is right now. i wish people could see that i dont mean to push them away right now, but i i am on the edge. of everything i think. i am so close to breaking, i think one more thing will topple it all over.

(last day)

...I have a feeling that next year i am going to end up being a bit of a loner at school- i dont know, i just am not really that sociable anymore. i'm more reflective now. a lot has happened this year. it seems like just last week that school started, but it seems like years ago since this morning. i have really changed and matured and developed a different outlook (and insight) on things. in a good way too. already i look back on the beginning of the year and think what was i doing??? my perspective is so much more realistic now- i really think i'm starting to find out who i really am. it's about time.

yeah, ... so thats pretty much it!

L8R

a lot has happened lately. this year has gone by so fast- it seems like yesterday when i started at mills. even thought it has passed by so quickly, i have changed a lot. my opinions are more logical and well-thought-out, my sense of self is more defined, my outlook is more all-encompassing, as is my insight. yet despite all of this, i am still me, just more so. and also, all the stuff "wrong" with me (meaning all the disorder crap) is still there, i could still be considered "goth" or "punk" or "weird" or whatever. it's like everything is imperfectly perfect. but then again, when you think about that, it makes total sense. maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...