What Governs Our Lives...

(Quotes from a chat with Carrie-)

...but is anything we ever do really OUR choice- i mean, i know we feel that way, but what if we are just pawns in some bored god's game? or some indulgent god's bored child's game? and we are just made to think that we have free choice? ...

...or what if it is fate? or if everything is decided by karma? ...

...this feels so concrete- so certain- more than half of the stuff i have experienced in my life- it feels as if i have just gotten a knowledge of my future that is to come...

...not something i can change- but since im aware of it, why cant i change it? is that fate then? or karma?...

...or is it a choice i am just bound to make? but if i am bound to make it, then, ... isnt it still fate?...

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Really though- what if we are all just parts of somebody's game, just miniature figures for somebody to move around whenever they get bored. Btw- I am talking about something that I think might happen... no- am certain will happen- more than knowledge. I feel it in everything intangible in me- my soul, my brain, my heart, my conscious, my subconscious. Every single tendril of my being is telling me it is to come true. What it is I will not say though. But this is not one of those things i think might happen, nor want to happen, though in a way I do. It is a sublime knowledge- complete certainty that I hold within myself. I want to avoid it because of consequences that I know would result from the action, but it seems inevitable. Yet if I can 'see my future' then why am I so certain I will not be able to change it? It is as simple as saying 'no' that would alter all of this that I am so sure will come to pass. Yet something deep inside of me is certain that this thing won't just go away.

If things in our lives are determined by karma- then one thing in our life is unaffected- our first action that must have some consequence. After that- it is simply how we react to all the circumstances we have placed ourselves in by that first action, and then the circumstances from those karmic reactions, and so on and so forth- so basically our future is decided by the choices we make- but not in our control, for it is done unto us as we did unto others. Then all we can do is make sure that we take that as nicely as we can to avoid more uncomfortable circumstances.

If every thing is decided by fate, then we are lying to ourselves when we tell ourselves that we have a choice in how our lives are lived. Or maybe we aren't lying to ourselves, but are being lied to by whatever power there is that is controlling us- or if we are the said party, then we are ignorant and in a round circle that never ends. Do we control our fate? and if so, then is it truly fate? Is it not free choice? But if it is already decided by the actions that we will make, then what is it?

We do not know what would have come to pass if we did not make the decisions we did, or will not make the decisions we are going to. Was there ever a question of the decision we made in the first place? Would it have even been possible for us to take the alternate course? Is there some other dimension in which we did make that other decision, and every different decision has its own reality split off, and then another from the next decision, and another. So many decisions are made in a day- what color shirt to wear, which road to take... a different shirt could mean your crush telling you you look nice, and leading to a relationship, and marriage, and children, one of them being the next president. Which road to take could let you get into an , and d1e, or the other could let you live, and have a kid. And what, in face, happens to all the children that were never born. A man, k1lled, and all the children he might have had... where did they go? Or a woman for that chance? And what about their nonexistant grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren... Where do all those lost opportunities go?

©Julie Pyle, 2005