My Hidden Jealousy...

I was talking with johnathan today... well: im'ing. and somehow it came up on the topics of drugs. And he started talking about his "natural high," and i wanted to kill him. Well, not really. It's just... he's so lucky: anyone that can have a "natural high" is. It's like the exact opposite of me: I have a natural low. Sometimes the only way i can be happy is taking drugs, or smoking something... He doesn't know how good he has it.

A lot of the time, I don't take something, or smoke something, until I need it: and i mean need it. I.E., i am on the verge of killing myself. I'd rather take something than kill myself. Well: i normally let it get to the point where I say, if this continues for 5 more min, i will do something i might regret... or would if i were alive to regret it. So then i turn to something. A last resort.

I know a lot of people, hell, most of my friends are the type, that do stuff. constantly. or if not constantly, often. rarely are they straight. Different ppl got this way through different means. Some of them tried it once, and got hooked, some of them it's all they can do to keep going, some of them, they do it simply to have something to do, some of them use it for escape. I would have to say I went through each one of these at least one time or another.

I really don't need the painkillers i'm on now. but i take them anyway. i've been on a steady declining spiral since about... mid-april i'd have to say. minus eating.... but just in general. all things considered, i think i would be better shut up in an asylum right now.

... or dead...

but yeah.

for those people who are happy most of the time... hell, even half of the time; don't take it for granted. take it for all it's got, and then some. don't take it for advantage: don't dismiss it. You don't know what you have.