why is it that when we are going through something- we tend to keep it to ourselves? i normally try to talk about it with my friends or boyfriend, but lately... i dont. and its not that i couldnt, i just choose not to. id rather 'suffer in silence', as somebody once put it. i guess... in a way i am trying to protect them from knowing how messed up ive gotten. frankly i still dont think im that special, and that im not really worth worrying about. also- in a way- i feel like they wouldnt be able to understand. then, there is also the fear that they just plain wouldn't care. ive had a lot of that happen- especially down in white hall. people would be my 'friends' and then when i needed them the most- just... turn away. down in white hall i had about... 4 real friends- and 3 of them ended up deserting me at several times when i needed somebody to be there. the other one now- i just plain haven't heard from in months- but it wasnt really his choice- situations at home. up here... i guess i have about ten that i can pretty much always count on- well... they havent deserted me yet. i have a feeling that a couple will- but i know that 6 i can count on 100%- david, carrie, rachel, stewart, ari, and sarah declerk. so i guess that it is more out of fear that they won't care that i don't talk to people, even tho i know that i have ppl who care- i guess it is the ppd. i know how desperate i get when i know that one of my friends has something going on, and he/she wont admit it or talk about it. so i guess i can imagine how they feel. my life is not a complete disaster- the bad stuff is just sometimes overwhelming. i try to be 'happy,' for my sake and my friends'. i am really trying to work through all the crap, but sometimes it just takes over. i dont know. i have a friend who is more used to listening to other's ordeals rather than communicating his own- i understand that. i just wish that he could feel comfortable talking to me. i do care. i don't hang out with people i don't care about- that would be a waste of time. ultimately in the end- it is his decision. just like it is mine. and i would like to apologize to the ppl who DO care about me- i really do appreciate you, tho i may not always show it. never doubt that.