(Bipolar)
...Really though, to be reflective is a good thing. I find myself taking things in in their entirety now, not just the parts i want to see or don't, and nothing inbetween. I used to see things in black and white. I didn't even stop to think about all the shades of gray inbetween, not to mention the actual COLORS. I would love to say I see a rainbow now, but I don't, and I don't think anybody really does. I think that we all see in black, white, gray, and a few sparks of animated color here and there. I think that there will forever be a spectrum of colors we have yet to see, and I plan on seeing the most of them as I can.
(coincidences)
...You stop taking in the value of all the good things, or weird things, that are happening to you; taking them for granted. To really value life, we need to take stock on every single event, every millisecond in our lives. I gues i'm becoming extremely reflective again. Which is a really good thing. Coming so close to dying, and not just physically, but the worst part, spiritually, is probably what made me that way. But if I'm starting to really take my life, and all the events in it into perspective, maybe it was worth it. Or if it was meant to happen that way, it is working. I think that the problem we humans experience as a whole, is that we try to take into account what is going on in our lives from our point of view, when what we really need is to look at it from an unbiased side. We need to look at it from the other side of the glass. I am going to use my friend Ari's metaphor here, (or is it simile?) and talk about a wall. On one side of the glass wall is blissful ignorance. You see things distortedly, or not at all. The side that most, unfortunately, are on. The other, is were you see things more clearly. You can look through the wall and see the whole story. Every single side. The people who are on this side are very lucky. Sometimes though, it's as if, when you were on the good side, in the blink of an eye, the wall transported itself so that you were on the ignorant side again, seeing everything from one point, where you are standing. (I really need to send a thankyou out to Ari for giving me words to describe this, without you, I'd be sorta lost right now) So, you can either sit on top of the wall, break it down, or continue letting YOUR life get out of your control, and never know which side you will be on in the next moment. Breaking it down would bring all chaos in for quite some time. Unsettling you, and others in your life. In the end, though, probably the best. You can sit on top of the wall, and try to keep things separate, yet view it from both sides. What Ari did not mention to say, however, was that you could, in doing this, risk falling over into the wrong side. More likely the wrong side than the right, unfortunately. I'm still trying to decide whether to sit on top or tear down the wall. I think, though, if I tear down the wall, it's going to have to be brick by brick, not all at once. But if I do that, I'm going to have to double check and make sure it's not trying to creep up on me and rebuild itself while im working on the other side.
(Exactly How Shallow The Seas Are)
...I take things for granted- to feel the shining of the sun, to smell the scent of a rose, to hear the sound of wind, to see the drops of rain, to breathe the air... So many things others have no more. So many things I experience every day. For this sin, I am guilty.
I am thankful for the wrong things- the taste of cotton candy, the touch of a lover, the "perfect" temperature for walking. Things that are not necessary. Things that are not as simple as the sound of rain on a cold sidewalk, or the taste of it on your tongue, or the sight or the perfect thunderstorm, or the feel of the cold, or the smell of the fresh damp air, or the embracing wetness of it on your bare skin. Things that are more beautiful, more meaningful, than some fake perfume. Of this, and wishing for more natural wholesome things, I am guilty.
I am myself. Enough said.
Verdict-
...guilty.
(Deafening Silence)
Oh, how deafening silence can be, when screamed from totured lips, reaching the ears of the faeries and the shades, and blocked to the people who are either screaming their own demented song, or have closed their ears to th cries of the world; to their own wails. Oh, how gifted we are if we are given the chance to hear the banshee yell, for then our ears will forever ring with the subtle, yet overpowering sound of forever madness, instead of this weight we must bear for ourselves. To be lifted from this burden, the great burden of weightless notes of quiet anguish, which transcend above the planes and into the souls of all. This muted cry, from the lost souls of the world, lost to the music played on the broken jewelry box, that haunts, and stalks you through your nightmares, and your dreams. Dreams where the noisiness of traffic overpowers your own silent pleas to be abandoned to sound. To hear, for once, the slow falling of rain instead of crimson tears. To hear the sweet whisperings of the one who knows you completely, and yet still loves you, instead of daunting descriptions of your end by hating inner minions. To hear the violins and the violas, the cello and the bass, the soft keys of the piano, play the sweet sunrise instead of Doom's harp playing the Dying of the Day, the sunset. To replace the screams of your soul with, simply, your breathing.
(stereotyping)
...if I had to describe the majority of today's population, it would have to be...-a group of insecure people that conform themselves to modern day society's (their own!) perception of that "perfect" person and discard their true selves in an attempt to be "accepted" and "loved", and also ignore the ther people who step outside the mold, who walk zigzag instead of in a straight, uniform line of same-cut paper dolls. Pitiful, isn't it? But what is even more pitiful is the fact that i and a lot of other people believe that I am right. really though, if everybody acted like themselves and accepted different things (which would then, actually be normal), people would be better able to accept themselves for who they were and the fact that they're human. Embrace their flaws as the part of them that made them unique. If not that, at least there wouldn't be as many bulimic conceited plactic barbies that looked more like black-and-white broken porcelain clown dolls.
(Sick)
...The discussion turned to mental disorders, and interesting subject when you get into one with somebody who has one, ... some... several... okay, a lot. Let's see: anorexia, bulimia, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, obsessive perfectionist, manic depressive, rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, social phobia, attention deficit disorder, suicidal, cutter, shows early signs of schizophrenia, the list goes on and on. Frankly, it doesn't really daunt me that much, but then again, it's me, so...
[Absent from school (from... everything?...)]
...I am in a very deep profound mood right now. I feel the need to review, to understand. Now that I have overcome, I need to get why. I need to get how. I need to be able to comprehend what has happened in the past to understand now, to, not predict the future, but to understand why and how things have come to happen once they do. I fell that all is happening now. The past, the present, and the future, are all occuring as I type. After all, at one point in "time", the past was the present, and before that, it was the future. The concept we know as "present" is ever changing. Our next second's present is now in the future, ... and now past. One melts into the other, it is an ever-changing cycle. The future is already happening in some "time", the past was the future in another. The only constant is us. Or are we constant? After all, every single cell, every single one, is replaced in the "time" span of 7 years. We are literally not the same person we were when we were younger. To think, that this body, every single bit of it, is completely different, yet still holds the same thoughts, the same memories, the same emotions... And all through the wonder of "science", or is it fate? What is it? What controls us? chemicals, a benevolent god, fate, ourselves??? Will we ever know? "When" will we find out? Is it all a useless loop of birth life and deth?
Unfortunately, I do not claim to know the answers. And if I did, it would be a terrible secret, for to truly know exactly how EVERYTHING works, ... we can only imagine. but even then, we cannot imagine accurately, for we do not truly know anything until we experience it ourselves. And then what are we to do?
(today was umm...)
...Now to the box part. Okay, this is going to sound really weird, but have you ever thought of just like, i dunno, living in a box? (told you it was going to be weird) But like, pretend you didn't need any food or drink and just lived in the box. and it was completely white, and the whole reason for your life was just to color it. And all you had with you were sharpies (just my personal preference, you could use pencils, crayons, markers, whatever) I would use black sharpies and white out. But like, you knew what was in the outside world, everything, but what would you fill your world with? Just a question. I mean really, if you had to create your own world, what would you put in it. What would be so important that you would include it (or so unimportant that you would discard it?). I started saying crap on the bus, like s, and rainbows and cotton candy clouds, but to tell you the truth, I really don't know. Interesting isn't it?
(save me from myself)
...i feel as if i am falling into this hole in my mind, and im being pushed- but i am the one pushing myself. there is so much going on, but i am the one causing all of it. i know i could stop if i wanted to, but in a way, i dont. i have lived so long with these "problems" i really dont know how to function without them. today, for instance, i actually ate and kept down about 800-850 cals (talking about my anorexia) and i feel the need to eat just so i can throw up (now going over to bulimia) just to make myself feel better. actually, tho, i think i got those all out- i exercised a ton today- my hands are shaking as i am typing right now. i haven't cut for so long, but i rubbed a knife across my skin last night, and the night before that, and the night before that, ... never leaving a mark, but i just had to. i smoked again, surprisingly i didn't do anything on 4:20. that was a little weird. i am REALLY tempted to start up some of those old again. i am depressed ALL the time, i just never notice it until it is either extremely quiet or extremely loud. i am always at extremes, but i think that the ecstatically happy is more of a way to hide the extremely depressed. i am paranoid a lot too. i always feel like somebody is watching me. like they are going to make a "mistake" that will tip the world and mess up everything. i break down crying every single night, for some weird demented reason or another. last night it was bc of a joke i read on the internet- a really funny one too, but i ended up crying...
("Alone I Break"- rach)
...i feel so alone right now- it feels as if i am in a crowded room, but everybody else is off doing their own thing and going 100x faster than i am. so i just end up in this corner, with my head down, and my hair in my face, and just become that much more invisible... i sorta want to right now. lately i have felt extremely vulnerable and unprotected. *sighs* guess that is just how everything is right now. i wish people could see that i dont mean to push them away right now, but i i am on the edge. of everything i think. i am so close to breaking, i think one more thing will topple it all over.
(last day)
...I have a feeling that next year i am going to end up being a bit of a loner at school- i dont know, i just am not really that sociable anymore. i'm more reflective now. a lot has happened this year. it seems like just last week that school started, but it seems like years ago since this morning. i have really changed and matured and developed a different outlook (and insight) on things. in a good way too. already i look back on the beginning of the year and think what was i doing??? my perspective is so much more realistic now- i really think i'm starting to find out who i really am. it's about time.
yeah, ... so thats pretty much it!
L8R
No comments:
Post a Comment